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Sunday, August 19, 2012

Stress: It's Really a Killer (Especially for us Thespians!)

Although in the past three months I've been very busy singing at lots of different places and experiencing the joy of being able to perform and bring enjoyment (hopefully) to lots of audience members, I have been experiencing quite a lot of depressing thoughts and having trouble motivating myself to keep moving forward on this (seemingly endless) career path.

I sang the role of Konstanze in Laubach, Germany in my first-ever open-air opera performance, and I also participated in Joan Dorneman's IVAI in Virginia for the second year in a row, where I got many hours of vital coaching and lessons with the best vocal professionals from New York and around the world.  I have two other potential engagements coming up in the months ahead, and I have received positive critical feedback from more agents than ever before.  Even though it seems like I should be 'on cloud 9' right now, I am feeling more like I dropped into a labyrinth of delusion and despair.

I am guessing that these feelings of mine might have something to do with the fact that I don't necessarily admit to myself (often, if at all, really) that this career is hard.  It requires a certain amount of emotional and psychological de-cluttering and purifying, and I haven't been vigilant about doing that on a regular basis after each project/performance that I complete.  Often times I think we as performers, and I know certainly I do this all the time, only consider that we are put here 'as vessels' to touch those people in the audience with the public and non-censored self-sacrifice of our souls which will bring the 'message' of the performance clearly across.  But, if we keep going about doing such reckless things without taking the necessary precautions of cleaning up the remains of our strewn innards on the stages of this world, we run the risk (like I am currently finding out) of becoming only the parts of ourselves that we remembered to take with us and pack back into our bodies when we are finished.  So, since I know that the zombie-mauled-looking-corpse that I have become (in a figurative sense) doesn't interest anyone, least of all ME, I am going to let everyone know now, through this blog post, that I am taking a little bit of time off from being so open (at least for the next few months) and working on getting back the pieces of me that I didn't know how to clean off after the last few shows.


  1. It's been a while since I've read your blog...gotta catch up!

    I know exactly what you mean here. Thank you for sharing your adventures, personal and impersonal. I really enjoy that you can look inward and outward at the same time, and share that perspective :)

    1. Hi Taz! :) Really cute nickname by the way--I approve, even if it doesn't really suit your personality :P

      Very glad that this resonated with you and wow- I've been reading about your adventures too on lj and your other older blog and wow- amazing! I can imagine it's hard to get a bit of 'distance' in that situation too, so- more power to ya for making it work and being able to enjoy it and consistently do your best--I know we performers always give a bit too much and then forget to recuperate afterwards so..yeah. :) Sending a big hug your way!!!